Self-creating

A week ago, before my birthday, I caught myself going through an unusual process. It was unusual because it was completely subconscious until I noticed what it actually was about. I was summarizing the past year in terms of how much I achieved, where I stand right now and where I am heading.

The year has been full of things happening. However, it is this January that marked a new step up the ladder of self-shaping and perfecting.

As long as I remember myself playing the piano I recreated someone else’s music. One by one, the greatest creations of all times were opening in front of me, and I’ve been living with them and through them ever since.

There came the time when I felt the urge of pouring out something of my own. It was coming out tough, but some creations sounded not bad, and I had some fun sharing them and playing them with friends. It was during my studying at the pre-conservatory music school that I met a girl with whom we used to meet and spend great time. She would sing, mostly her own songs, and I would play, using her melodies and adding arrangements of my own.

I wanted something new and unexplored but didn’t realize it back then.

The university took my attention. The piano was getting me back now and then, soon I restarted playing but was far too busy to let myself loose on anything else than already written compositions of other authors.

Then there was the time I couldn’t play for a long time. My today’s explanation is that due to a high emotional wave, up and then down very much, I could not feel that many emotions for a while and thus had nothing to put into the music. It sounded wooden, and I, knowing how it is supposed to be, could not stand it. And stopped, thinking it would be for good.

However, certain things come to stay, just like others are to go. The music seems to be something that just is for me, and with or without desire I live craving it, in many different ways. Of course, when lost or feeling scared, I could not decipher my own feelings correctly. And subconsciously I searched for something or someone who would help me.

My first letter to the Academy representatives has a subject line that asked for help – with the Traditional Wing Chun training. I didn’t know how to get there and felt I have to go see what it is about. This was July 2010.

A year and a half afterwards I discovered I can compose at will. I used to go around and wait till I get the melody on my mind and then painfully try to make it sound impressive. Impressive for whom, I had no clue, but that was exactly the feeling.

This January I’ve remembered two of my old songs that used to have words. I left out the lyrics as it is long since not relevant any more. Out of them, I made three compositions. Meanwhile, three new pieces came to my mind and fingers. I don’t know how this happens, and neither I need to know the exact details.

My only explanation is – there are things greater than us, and by doing them we get as close as possible to the eternity of our own souls and divine beings. Music and Wing Chun are only two of those things. I can speak about them as I was born with the first one and now am starting to discover the second one.

Whereas about music I feel I know quite a lot, with Wing Chun I am amazed because I could never think that something created as a martial art could have such effects on one’s body and mind. If you’ve been following my blog, you already know about quite a few discoveries that I’ve been making since I joined the Academy. Summarizing them in short – Wing Chun helps its adepts to put the mind, soul and body together and start doing what they are best at.

With me it seemed as one of the easiest tasks as I already came being a pianist. However, I could not play for a long while and, trying and trying, was not happy with what I was hearing, and thus kept going and trying all the ways possible to get back the self-fulfilling inner state.

I know this is the time it all is starting. Again, with a new power, with a new cycle – this I have no clue about. I just know it’s going on, with thoughtfulness, passion and a great feeling of being in the right place and in the right time.

I don’t know what is to come tomorrow. This is also something Wing Chun is teaching me: today and right now is the moment to seize, and no one knows what comes next.

I am grateful to all who are here with me and right now, as I am rediscovering myself. I see how much work there is to be done, and there will probably be even more, but this is a completely different work from all other works I’ve ever done. It’s mine and it feels right.

I truly believe we are gods living the human experiences, and that we were made to forget this to feel the fleetingness to the most and thus enjoy it to the fullest.

I wish all to have a splendid New Year of the Dragon and great discoveries about your own selves. Let’s create, shape ourselves and be happy in doing so and sharing our achievements.