That some days are more turbulent and worrisome than others, I’ve known since a long time ago. Our lives go in waves as it seems the Universe is created this way. Denying this means denying our own selves – and thus accepting it means flourishing in an auspicious environment.
But sometimes it is easy to get carried away in a swirl of emotions. This process is characterized easily: I start thinking other people have something to do with my inner feelings. This guy looks at me in a wrong way. This girl doesn’t act like a friend any more. The world starts turning grey with every new blink of an eye.
I am way better with these things now. It used to be dark, and almost at once… and for a long while. But what is gone is not that interesting any more. Right now is always the most important moment… and so it’s always been for me, either I was aware of it or not.
Realizing that other people have pretty much nothing to do with the way I feel, I free a way for myself to feel as I please, and to be grateful to all those who are around me. And – here comes a paradox. The people around me start doing things that I am actually very grateful for! A small question of something that makes me feel cared for, or a few words of support, or just a joke with a tone in which I find positive attitude and understanding – this is at times as much as I need to grow my wings back on. Of course, the dearer the person is to me, the more it means. But this is also the way people grow dear – by showing these little signs of attention to each other, and appreciating when receiving them.
It is not enough to just tell someone once you cherish them. The psyche is such that it forgets things easily. Must be the innate influence of the “now and then” way of existence. You tell me I am precious once, twice, and then I am sort of wondering when you don’t mention it for the third time. Of course, I could find a lot of reasons why you do what you do or why you don’t do something. However, it’s none of my business to think for others, no matter who they are… unless they choose to tell me so that I am not sitting and wondering.
Perhaps to some this sounds limiting – that you need to be repeating things over and over. At the same time, I discovered I have things like this I feel I may never get tired of doing as I find enough reasons in my heart and soul. I judge by myself only as so far I don’t have many clues as to why people react so differently to many things. The best I can do for now is learn what my dearest ones are doing and why, because I am interested.
For all the rest – I do my best.
Still, at my current level of self-development the best I’ve learned is – I can rely on myself only. Others are there to help a lot of processes, and in a lot of situations… but then is it just me there, in a long or a short run.
And I define what I do, and what I do also defines me, and it is another way of learning who I am for those who care.
I am what I do because this is how it goes. Thus the Wing Chun and the music that are in me, with me, around me. I have no clue how things will go and I only hope for the best. I can’t help noticing, though, the difference I feel inside now that I do Wing Chun and my music is returning into my life.
Last night I played blues on keyboard for the first time. It’s a few chords, and learned on the go, but gee, I never thought I could play anything even close to that!
I need to praise myself and to celebrate this, because if I don’t, who will? Of course, I’d feel a different sort of happiness had all of my dear ones shared this with me at the moment of happening… and there is a recording for those who weren’t there. But, this is what makes me being me, and I wholeheartedly believe one can’t love someone else without loving what they do and how they do things.
Big things count, and then small ones count as well. And love sometimes shows in really, really small things. It’s the fact that counts.
Wing Chun is where everything counts – breathing, position, relaxation, angle, dynamics. Mindset and emotions. Desire and passion. Such is music as well. Sometimes I wonder what is the difference between the two, and perhaps it is their origin and maybe even somewhat different background philosophy – but all in all, they are one and the same thing. For me, at least.
Both have been carrying me on for a while and keep doing so. And wonderfully, they do so when no one is around… and even more so when the dear ones are there, devoting their attention to them as well, just as I do.
Maybe this is why there will always be this very special sort of understanding with the ones who do these things with me. It needs no words and no special actions… just doing it together matters.
Why am I writing about this? There are a lot of feelings that have been waiting at bay, only till their time to get out comes. The ones called positive feelings are easier to digest. I curiously find that the more complex feelings of sadness, regret, and what not dwelling in the past are also there and harder to process and understand, so that I can also share them with others as a sign of trust and appreciation. Because they also make me who I am, and without them I can’t be complete. So even the mere fact of acknowledging that they are there for a right reason is a big step for me. And I feel like sharing this with everyone who matters for me, simply because this is one of the ways I share…
Another task, though, is to learn to share them in the proper way. Our feelings are tender and need a lot of love and care so they can flourish. While I am contemplating over this, thanks to all of you who are with me for the things that keep carrying me on – Wing Chun and music, and music and Wing Chun.