Doing nothing when attacked is equal to suicide (c)
I’ve looked through my recent entries and found the one on softness. The main idea there is to find balance between being soft and tough in order to stay untouched both in physical and psychological aspect. I read it and it sounded like a great deal to me… and since the time I wrote it I am not sure I’ve moved forward a lot in terms of finding the balance.
It’s easy to see. Being quite easy- and out-going, I joke and laugh and talk about everything in the world with the people I enjoy my time with. However, for some reason in different life periods I would always get someone around who will keep finding my weak spots and poking them at will or even deliberately – just to see my reaction. As I have a wide spectre of emotional feedbacks I can only imagine how fun it is to help me get beside myself. I must admit since the start of my Wing Chun kung fu practice it's happening less and less brightly but still there's a great deal to improve.
Thanks to the vow I’ve taken I find it easier to keep myself together in such situations. Being a peaceful warrior, I prefer to walk away from a conflict, as far as to never see the person again in order to avoid it. Because I know if I start fighting, it will be to the end. No matter how fun I seem there is this seriousness inside of me that sometimes gets my own self scared… but all that is, is there for a reason. What matters is – I am getting to know what’s inside. Even if it hurts to find out, I will. I feel it's becoming necessary to re-admit people into my life, and I can do it only by giving first.
So we had this talk about apprenticeship, and everyone agreed that if you are a student you study at all times. There are lessons for you everywhere you go and in everything you do. The main point for me is now to realize this at every moment of my life as this is the only way to be aware and not to get carried away with emotions and whatnot. Which was quite typical for me in the past and is something I am slowly but surely changing. Of course, it is unknown how long it will take. But even if the journey is lifetime-long it is 100% worth it.
So here I am, knowing one of my issues and figuring out ways to fix it. Learning Wing Chun teaches me to look neither for techniques nor for maneuvers but for underlying principles. What is it that keeps me making myself hurt? Because as I already said, we do things to ourselves, no one else can.
A short off-top – this also concerns heart-related issues. If someone told me I am breaking my own heart when I was doing it two years ago I would send them to hell. Some people actually did tell me, and I just didn’t think they knew what really was going on. Now as I look back at it I really can’t help laughing. No matter how dear all the events were to me, I was the one who made the tragedy for myself and I was the one who then had to find ways to recover.
So now as I see it, time is money and hearts are no good for self-unconscious games. Meaning I feel like I finally am getting to understand what our hearts are for…
But back to the topic. Where it hurts the most I already have an idea. But, by seeing how I learn, and I always learn through my own experience – I guess I will cognize the ultimate balance only after I dig into the deepest parts of my own self and extract everything on the surface, examine it and decide what needs to stay there and what doesn't….
The good news is that I am already long time on my way. Long because for a 23-year-old a few years is quite a lot, I think. And all in all, the length of the journey does not matter as much as its quality.
I am no good at compromising with myself. High time to deploy the newly discovered principles.