The more I work on it the more I become sure this is the way.
I turn on my favorite Apocalyptica and see, no matter how passionate they are and how much energy they put into their music there still is that basis under their feet that keeps them together and has the beat going smooth and even. Being a musician myself I know well that balance in music is everything. When I am one whole with the beat of any particular piece I am playing, the piece is mine and I am all in it, we are together and going and nothing can stop us. The instrument replies with tenderness, love and care as these are the inevitable attributes of balance. At least this is how I find it to be in my world.
It’s not always been like that. It was yesterday that I talked to a dear friend of mine with whom we’ve been friends since I remember her. I’ve lived through a period of my life when I felt a new pair of wings growing and got the feeling I control it all. This was a grand feeling and if it were the one to last, I think I would’ve been completely happy with it. I knew all depended on me and I strived and did my best and seized it all. I was passionate, even ferocious at times, biting deeply into what I found was mine and mercilessly throwing away all that I didn’t think I needed. I felt enormous uplifts and going-downs and this all was giving me such a pleasure, I felt so alive that it was like being drunk with life and not wanting to get sober. More, when I did get sober I was still high on the knowledge that I am omnipotent.
I knew I was doing what I wanted and I felt happy. I was loved and in love, and thought it was right to worry about things I found worth worrying about.
This was the time I rarely remembered what patience was. I longed for action, new impressions and taking more and more of the life that was so generously giving to me all I wanted. After every new leap I’d sleep myself away and jumped into action all fresh and furious again. And all I can say, it was a blast of a lifetime and I have nothing to regret for. I was taking as much as I could.
However I’d not be my parents’ child if I stopped there. As much as I enjoyed it some inner feeling kept moving me on, which I find unexplainable. And well, now I don’t think there is a need to explain certain things in the first place. It was not a piece of cake to have this urge for changes at times as I felt it was more than me and I could neither avoid it nor resist.
I swam with the wind for some, enjoying the quietude and my own self, time only to realize I still need to keep things under control as there is no other way. However, the journey showed me there is only as much I can really control.
The discovery of the need of being truthful to myself was a bright insight. I physically felt like undergoing a surgery and being opened up and closed again, with something new in there I’ve never seen before. The “new” was deep and multi-dimensional and alone worth a lifetime discovery. I’ve realized I’ve been fooling myself thinking I can rule this world before actually learning how to rule my own self. It felt like I was taken out of this world and put into another one, resembling my old place a lot but totally different in the core.
This made me think how I found it possible to think that I controlled myself when it turned out it was still one of those “fooling myself” aspects. See, our own set of convictions need to be analyzed and tested regularly, just like all other parts of ourselves. At times they become so dear to us we might feel this is it and forever.
My experience showed nothing is forever except the eternal waves of changes. To me this means that everything changes and if we are the ones to control it anyhow, we do it with our own being.
Yesterday I was also told my writing is full of insights but at times hard to digest. I know. I do not think while writing this and neither I spend time for polishing and making it readable for everyone. I know what I have to put in and this is for me, I am not fooling myself I am writing for those who might decide they need to read this. Neither I think this is anything worth of reading in the first place as much as my ego would be telling me otherwise. My experience is mine only and unless you get into my skin there is no way you can feel what I do. And I cannot do it to you, my dear reader. The best we can do is share our own selves as much as it is possible. With hugs and kisses when we meet if we are close enough. With conversations and late night stay-ups when this is the best we can do at the moment. With bits of attention when we feel like it without expecting anything back.
You can probably see where I am heading. The world where I used to seize it all seemed to be the world that has everything for me ready and all I needed to do was just take and be happy.
Now I find it to be different. I didn’t realize it back then but we get what we give. Being lumps of sunshine and endless reserves of energy, we generate things we get in our life. The difference is, some understand it sooner, some later. Some perhaps not at all.
My world is the one where I see that giving consciously is the dao. I think if I never played the piano before and all of a sudden discovered it existed and felt this is it, this would be the closest comparison to the giving concept. Piano cannot give me anything by default. It just is there, and it is up to me to find it and then give myself to it. What is grand about it (and probably that is why it is called the grand piano) is that it always gives back what I give to it.
I used to wish people would do the same but people are not constructions made of wood, metal and strings. Everyone is different and I am not the only person in the world to even imagine my world perception might be suitable for anyone else. The best I can do is share what I got, understanding what I am doing. And hope that I will keep finding those who move along the path I am choosing for myself. Not wanting but knowing what I want. And may balance be in me in everything I do.